ABORTED
They say,
A woman can bare the pain of childbirth,
Because she has something to hold at the end of it…
But I hadn’t even given it a beginning.

You wanted me to love you,
And trust,
I wanted too.
You asked of me everything
And in return…
I gave you nothing.
Not sight,
Not life.

The vision was envisioned for you to grow inside of me
This beautiful baby boy seed.
But see,
Things didn’t go as planned.
I wanna say…
The timing wasn’t right,
You were conceived on the wrong night…
I wanna say,
You were going to be my biggest accomplishment,
And it’s astonishing that I hadn’t even seen you,
But I had imagined you’d have,
His lips and my eyes,
My eyes and his hair.
To where…
Every time I see a little mixed breed
I stop and stare.
Wondering if God had went ahead and gave your face to that child,
And that child was really mine.
See I’ve calculated a few times and by now,
You’d be about 5.

You’d have the dark skin of a Latino,
Can’t speak a lick of Spanish though.
Stand 3’6,
Weigh 40lbs.
And seem to shutter at the sound of pappi tryin to kill me.
So you stand in between the two,
The dirt and the soil that made,
Created,
Loved you…
But we didn’t know how.

I wanna say…
You’d grow up,
Broken up by the household.
Be cold towards daddy,
But blame mommy.
You’ll be indeceive like him,
But blunt like me…
Except for the concept of being man enough to be a leader,
Not a follower.
You didn’t get that shit from me.

You’d be emotionally unstable,
And capable of having zero remorse,
Of course…
You got that from me.
But you can love just like me,
And be determined like me.
And with those qualities of mommy beating through your heartbeat,
Makes my eyes cry to think of the ties we could’ve had.

Instead I woke up on table cold of steel,
With straddled legs…
Chapped lips…
And said,
More like pleaded: Please don’t take my baby!
Mumbles of…”Give her something for the pain”
Rearrange themselves in my heart…
Yes,
Where is something for the pain?
Even now.
Anesthesia wasn’t enough to numb the thoughts of canceling you.

You asked of me everything,
And I gave you nothing.

I should’ve had you,
Put you up for a adoption so at least you had a chance.
But instead I sent you to dance up into the Heavens with God
As He gives you sight and life…
To know that mommy still loves you as you wanted me too.
I wanna say…
I just wasn’t ready to.

You asked nothing of me,
And I took everything from you…
Even myself.

ebstewart,2006
sweated techniques publishing
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